Like forgetting the words to your favorite song.

Do you ever feel like you don't know exactly who you are anymore? I don't mean an identity crisis, at least not the simple, general, overused kind. I mean when you've sort of stopped on your walk down the regular route for a minute and looked in a mirror, and found that your face doesn't look like yours anymore. In fact, you're not even sure how you got on that particular part of the sidewalk or even where it is. That's been happening to me recently. I keep pushing the feeling off and moving on, but it keeps coming back. I feel like I was more sure of myself when I was fourteen or fifteen - not that that was all that long ago, but still. I've realized that I've acquired a large amount of habits and personality traits that I never really would have wanted to find in myself. I don't know where they came from or how long I've had them, and the worst part is that generally I don't have a problem with them. I've always been good at justifying me to myself. I think I suddenly got a bit too good.

I've got no excuse to be so prone to depression as I am. Nobody likes depressed people; I don't even like depressed people. But there I am - whenever I'm alone, these gloomily insightful thoughts flock around me and I don't bother to shake them off, because I'd rather drive myself crazy with too many thoughts than force myself to feel something I don't.

I've found that I disregard people. Not everyone, but most. I guess some people can get along with all kinds or at least pretend to - I was never really that way, though, and I hate pretending with people almost more than I hate anything. If a person and I mutually dislike each other, I'd rather never see them again than pretend to be polite and chummy in public. I think most people probably feel that way, but I also think that most people can get past it. I can't seem to. I've realized that I have a close circle of people I love, and an even closer circle of people I respect. I realized, also, that I tend to completely look over the people who don't belong to either of these circles. Who gave me the right to be so full of myself? But then, just when I think that, I come back with a line about the worth of being superficial for the sake of being polite - and there I have me. I honestly think I'd rather be how I am now, than someone who claims to love everybody and wreaks of superficiality. What I want to know is, isn't there some middle-ground?