Oh....

"Why can't it be just a bit more red?!"

Traffic and bloodhounds.

Last night I had a dream that I was driving down a really long road, and there were thousands of cars stuck in traffic. But instead of stopping when the people in front of them did, everyone just kept going, crashing into each other like they were trying to move traffic themselves. It was like being stuck in a series of those really strong waves that just keep pounding on top of you. And then there was this stupid bloodhound puppy that came into the road. I swerved out of the way for it, but I knew that someone behind me wouldn't. And then I woke up.

Sometimes I don't like sleeping.

You and I have memories

When I was about five or six, Jon and I went to stay at my aunt and uncle's house for the night. I can't remember what the occasion was, but it was just the two of us, and Uncle Todd took us to a car show - and of course I complained the whole time. That part is a little fuzzy - I might have been complaining of boredom, but I think it was because my legs were hurting, the way they always did when I was little. Then we went to Chuckee Cheese's, and I got lost. Later (after I was found, of course), we went back to the house and watched The Hunchback of Notre Dame. By the time we were put to bed on the office futon, I was missing my mom terribly. I was quite a home-body as a child. While I cried myself to sleep, Jon held me, and he still had his arms around me when I woke up.

I can see their eyes;

but tell me something, can they see mine?

Good grief - too much has happened to write about adequately right now. I keep meaning to write here, because I keep thinking of things to write about... but then suddenly it's the middle of the night and I fall asleep before I can do it. Like right now. I'm dozing off and I keep having to retype my sentences because of all the typos. Fun. I did want to write, however, that I quit my job. I've only been there for two weeks, but it quickly became apparent that this was not the place for me. Not only were there some shady things about the place itself, but I just came to realize that restaurant work really just isn't for me. The grouchy, hungry, give-it-to-me-NOW/I'm-the-only-customer-in-the-world people just drove me crazy. I mean, I know people are psychos in every profession... but people are just especially rude to kids in the restaurant business, I've noticed. I have so many ridiculous stories I could tell. But suffice it to say that on Thursday, after I got yelled at by everyone in the world (inside the restaurant AND outside - meaning on deliveries), I decided that I would have to quit soon. Then, the next night while I was delivering a pizza to a sketchy apartment in a sketchy part of town, three middle-aged guys opened the door and invited me in. I declined, politely, and stayed on the porch to get them their change... and they came out and STOOD AROUND ME IN A CIRCLE, all talking at me and joking around and asking if they were giving me enough money... so yeah. I got out of there, awkwardly acknowledged their creepy farewell of "Stay safe!", walked down the street like a freaking half-mile to my car (parking in this city sucks), got in my car, and said, "Yup - I'm quitting."

People are such psychos.

I still have to work a night or two this week, but will be done by this weekend. YAY. Then... yay.... back to job hunting. I've learned my lesson, though. I'm getting a normal-person job at a normal store with normal hours. Or as close to it as I can get.

Also, Amelia and I taught our first Color and Design class on Friday. It was actually super fun. I become a relatively hilarious person when I'm around junior-highers, which is weird and surprising... I think Amelia and I were both expecting to let her play good-teacher and leave the role of harsh-teacher to me. Amelia is the epitome of good-teacher, though... so maybe I'll be the harsh-teacher AND the crazy one. Sounds like a good balance.

I'm so excited about Ireland. I haven't heard back from the family since last week, but they've pretty much guaranteed me a place, and I'm happy. They also gave me a lot of information for volunteer positions with their various church organizations, which is perfect. Exploring on my own/having actual structure when I need it (or when it needs me), sounds fabulous. That might have sounded more selfish than I meant it to. I'm too tired to tell... I didn't mean it in a selfish way. I just mean that having flexibility and options, and the opportunity to be helpful, is awesome-sounding. Yay.

Crap. I have to get up soon. I'm always so tired... but I can never go to bed at a reasonable time anymore. Last night I fell asleep on the couch while we were watching various movies and shows, and everybody left me there! Slightly offensive. Jon came home at almost 3 and he woke me up so that I could go upstairs and sleep in my actual bed. I don't have the drowsy stage of life anymore. I'm awake and then, suddenly, BOOM - I'm out like a light. No warning. I just go through the day knowing that I could, potentially, fall asleep at any time. It's slightly alarming.

Speaking of which, I bet you that I could be asleep in about 4 minutes. I think I'll put that theory to the test. Goodnight, America. Good morning, Europe. Good... existence, Milky Way. 'Atta galaxy.

So, I just want to say.....

I HAVE A PLACE IN IRELAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Conversation with a coworker

Coworker: So what high-school did you go to?
Me: Actually I was homeschooled.
Coworker: Seriously?! ... You know, that actually explains why you're - like this.
Me: What's THAT supposed to mean?
Coworker: No no, it's just that you're - you're like - you're classy. You're not like other girls.


Homeschooled girls for the win.

How sweet to walk in this pilgrim way.

Once again, I am struck by the realization of how utterly weird Mondays always are. Today was rather tame on the Monday-scale, I mean, but in relation to the rest of the weekdays... yeah. Gah, I feel like I always start writing when I know that I should be asleep... but I've been having trouble falling asleep lately, so I usually look at pictures or write on this here laptop until I literally can't keep my eyes open anymore. So if I suddenly get tired and fed up with writing, this post might just disappear abruptly. And I'll probably be the better for it. I'd probably be a reasonable person, if I got a normal amount of sleep a few times a week. But I do not entertain hypotheticals. (The world as it is is vexing enough.)

Every once in a while, usually when I'm feeling particularly tired and prone to these gloomy thoughts, my life flashes before my eyes and I get incredibly depressed about it. Today I was thinking about how much school I have this week (and this semester, really), and how I don't want to go in to work tomorrow - then I thought, I have at least two more years of school, and it doesn't matter what job I have: whatever and wherever it is, I'll have to go in on days when I don't feel like it. There's no escaping that. Then suddenly I realized that school will continue, and work will continue, and I'll be working for the rest of my life, until I retire, at which time I'll be too old to do anything fun. Then I got very sad and tired and hopeless feeling. I usually can think of so many things to look forward to... but sometimes the other things get in the way and sort of overwhelm the rest.

Don't worry; these moods are rare and usually go away in a day or two. Then I'll be back to concentrating on good ol' happy short-term goals, like eating Mexican food sometime this week and finding a night to catch the season finale of Rookie Blue.

You know, there are a lot of people that I really love. I've been thinking about that. I get sad and selfish because they're not here with me, or because I'm not somewhere else with them... but really. How lucky am I to have people to miss?

My cat keeps sitting on my arm. Arg. I don't love her.

If I weren't so tired, I'd go for a drive. I think I said this the other night... hm. I guess that means that one of these nights I should probably just go. I think night-drives are good for me - and delivering pizzas doesn't count.

Hmph - I'm still awake.

If it wouldn't kill me of nostalgia and sadness, I would listen to The Weepies and look at pictures of Ireland. Can you have nostalgia for a place you've never been? WAIT - I've been there! Did I ever tell you that? I don't think I did. Last month on the flight back from Prague to New York, Joseph gave me his window seat (bless you, Joseph.), so I got to watch Europe, the Atlantic, and the coast of Canada and New York for 9 hours. I'd brought books to read, but I only read when we had to close the shades so that people could sleep. Aside from that, I listened to my ipod on shuffle and looked out the window for the whole time. When we flew over England, Waterloo Sunset came on, and I thought that was pretty serendipitous. Then, at the exact moment when the clouds parted and I saw the coast of Ireland, the True Grit version of Leaning on the Everlasting Arms came on. It was the most beautiful moment; my eyes actually started to water. It was just perfect.

Alright. I'm going to close my eyes and try to trick myself into thinking I'm asleep. I need to wake up in 6 hours. The Texas Ranger presses on.... alone.

A-dios.
:)

Lucky to have been where I have been.

Oh, I feel sad right now. Not for any reason, particularly... I mean, there are a lot of things going on in life right now, and most of them are rather challenging... but then, that's pretty normal, I'm coming to realize. I came upstairs to work on a 5 page essay that I have to turn in on Tuesday (and by the way, I have no idea what my thesis is yet...), but I ended up looking at pictures from our trip to the Czech Republic instead.

I miss this.




I feel like I'm in a doorway right now - a large doorway, leaving a room that I know and stepping out toward a porch and then a street, and I have no idea what's there. There are a few notions floating around in my head... just possibilities that would seem appropriate. But nothing for certain. Some things just seem so connected to other parts of my life that they HAVE to be right - but that could just be pure conjecture on my part. It's impossible to tell right now... and that's frustrating. And apparently a recipe for making me feel sad and somewhat lonely on a Sunday evening when I should be doing something else.

Wow. I'm a vague person.

The winds of change are blowing wild and free;

you ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I really should be asleep - but six hours will work for tonight. Last night (Friday, that is), I started work at 6:00 and got home at 1:30am. That was massively unpleasant, especially because I thought I'd be home at 11. It's so depressing to stand in a restaurant at midnight and look around after a huge party has just left, knowing that the task of cleaning up and closing the place falls on you, one other coworker, and the manager. Oh, we were a merry group. Not.

But anyway - that was yesterday. Tonight was actually much better, at least, easier. I only made three deliveries, though, so the rest of the time I was scrubbing dishes and folding pizza boxes... which kinda sucks, not going to lie. I also have to work Sundays, which reaallly sucks. I tried to get out of it but I can't, at least not until the owner hires another driver (if he can ever find another one without a DUI.). But the main thing about tonight that was good was that it was a slow night in the restaurant, so I got to go home at 9. That's kinda the thing I'm realizing that I really don't like about this place, though - you never know how long your shift is going to be. I've been asking my coworkers about that, and they're all just kinda like, "Yeah, I guess we just leave whenever he says we can." Which isn't a good answer, I feel. Well, we'll see how things go.

OH. You know what's lame? I washed my car yesterday (a long process, because of the fussy paint I have on it - hose it down, wash it, hose it again, and the pour distilled water over it and dry immediately so that it doesn't spot.... ughhhh). And then last night it rained. So now my car is all spotty again. GAH. Oh well. At least it looked nice for a night.

OH!! You know what's exciting, though? The baby shower for my NIECE is tomorrow. I'm psyched about this. She'll be coming pretty much any time in the next two weeks, I hear. I've known what I want to get our little KGB for a long time, but I haven't been able to track one down yet... I'm taking a last stab at it tomorrow after church, though, so we'll see. Beth, if you're reading this, don't get sad because I'm a procrastinator. I'm not. I've been diligently seeking! It's just that I haven't been diligently, well, finding. But I won't give up. :)

Man, I could really go for a steak quesadilla from Baja Fresh right now.

The moon is aaaalmost to where I can see it from my bed, but not quite there yet. Maybe two more nights. I really miss seeing it; it was so comforting on all those nights when I could.

Goodnight, moon.

So much for that.

I went to sleep at 1 and woke up at 8. Ohhhh well. Coffee, car-washing, homework, menu-memorizing. Then back to work at 6. I'd appreciate prayer, if you think of it. There's a lot going on in this head of mine and getting lost at night and making apologetic calls/direction-requests to angry customers doesn't sound like a lot of fun right now.

When I am weak, then I am strong.
My God shall be my strength.
He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Oy.

Most hectic 24 consecutive hours of my life. I woke up 20 minutes before I had to leave for my geography exam, got in the car and my 'check engine' light turned on, (drove to class anyway), took the test, sat through the world's most frustrating philosophy discussion/class debate, went to another long class, got home and took the quickest shower recorded in time, went to my first day of work, and spent until 10:45 feeling like the world's stupidest person. And getting insulted by rude customers. Oh, customer service.

I made $12 in tips, so that's something.

And the baseball cap doesn't look nearly as stupid as it could.

But I'm working the next two nights and I'm so. freaking. tired.

And I didn't have a food today.

I'm going to bed and sleeping until tomorrow night's shift.

Let's get rich

and buy our parents homes in the south of France. Let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance.

Oh, I should be asleep. I have a geography test first thing in the morning, and it's a long day after that. Also, I start work tomorrow night. (I went out and bought the khaki Dickies today, so it's official.) I'm tired, but I don't think I could sleep right now. Too much going on in this head of mine. First of all, I've been waiting for weeks for the moon to be in the right position so that I can see it when I lay on my bed, but it's been stubborn and unsociable. It's coming closer, though. Tonight I can see it if I sit on the foot of my bed. Tomorrow or the next night, perhaps. Suki sure enjoys sitting on the windowsill and looking at it, though. Of course, she also likes licking the windowpane. Weird animal.

I want to go dancing right now. Really badly. You know, that was one thing I really appreciated about Czechs - lots of them are really accomplished ballroom dancers. Dancing with someone who knows what they're doing really makes a difference.

I think that if I didn't have a test in the morning, I'd go for a drive right now. Drives make things better when I'm lonely.

You know something, we're all a lot more like each other than I think we allow ourselves to think. Just something I've been noticing lately.

Hm, I just saw a plane fly by. That's nice. Sometimes I randomly hear a train-whistle, too - which is weird, because I'm not really near a train station. I mean there's one in town, but it's rare to hear evidence of that. What's that line from "It's a Wonderful Life"... about the three most exciting sounds in the world? I can't remember them all... but I know train whistles were on there somewhere.

I'm so glad it's fall time. (Well, almost.) I'd be happy if it could be autumn all year long - there's just something inherently good about it. Maybe it's the spiced hot drinks, the scarves and boots, the coolness settling in at nights, the red that creeps into the trees... definitely a combination of all of those and more, though. Speaking of red in the trees, that's how most people tell if it's autumn or not - except in California, we don't really get seasonal colors. BUT, I've discovered a row of trees on the road to school that does change color in the fall-time. I noticed them last year, when they started turning red about this time, and stayed that way until early spring. And I'm talking bright red. They're beautiful! I wish we had more of those.

Well. I should try to sleep now. I'd like to say that I'll probably be awake for a while, and will just be staring out the window, thinking my thoughts and waiting for the moon to pass me by.... but in truth, I'll probably fall asleep within five minutes. In times like these, my laziness outweighs my artist-temperament.

Go listen to "Passenger Seat" by Deathcab for Cutie.

I wonder what other people are doing right now. It's so weird to think that it's tomorrow in some places, and various other times everywhere else... but it's RIGHT NOW, everywhere. Kind of a distant, but oddly comforting, feeling.

Goodnight.

Or, good morning.

Wherever you are, make it good.

Sleeping with a book-blanket out at sea.

From my journal during my break today. I wish I could also put a picture of the cool bicycle-dude I drew next to it. But that part you'll have to imagine.


What a weird world. I'm in the reading room in the library, and 3 out of 5 people I look at are plugged into ipads via headphones. It's like the TV rooms in Fahrenheit 451, except less invasive, which is almost worse. It's sneaky. They're in their own weird little universe of 2D-fiction, which is busily tricking them into taking it for 3D-reality.

Geography scared me today. All this talk about fault-lines, and valleys moving 18 feet in 45 seconds. California will be in the sea one day - actually, not even California as a whole. Only where I live.

(HAHA, I just sneezed really weirdly and tried to play it off like it didn't happen. I mock people like me all the time.)

I dropped journalism, by the way.

But yeah - so the world is moving at all of these crazy speeds, and all of these crazy forces are "ripping the Earth apart" (as my professor so calmly put it). So I'm afraid of the world now, and I'm weirded out by my philosophy class, so I'm afraid not only of physics but also of metaphysics..... gah. I have to keep reminding myself of Sund's diagram about fear and comfort and boundary-pushing, because otherwise I think I'd take the easy way and hide in my room and only come out for Christmas.

Everyone here is so suspicious. Aaaaaand I'm sneezing again.

HA! If I write "I'm sneezing", I don't sneeze.

I'm sneezing. I'm sneezing. I'm sneezing. I'm sneezing. I'm -

Damnit.

Baseball caps?

I have a job!!!!!!!!!!

Rather remarkable how it happened, really. I set out today, dressed to the nines, with the intention of searching till I found a place that would hire lil old me. I first went in to a pizza restaurant nearby that I'd never really thought of working at - but I thought, why not wet my feet with a place I don't really care about? Well, long story short, it turned out that they'd just lost their driver (delivery-man, in less glorious verbiage), and the hours of that particular driver would work perfectly with my strange schedule. So I did apply to a few places, but I pretty much have a guaranteed spot there. I'm going to be cross-trained, the manager said, so I'll be an official driver, but if I'm a quick learner, I'll also be working in the kitchen and serving. All I have to do is bring in my paperwork tomorrow or the next day, and I'll start training.

I'm pretty psyched about this. So is the rest of my family - except my stinking older brother, who is angry about the fact that they hired a girl as a delivery-man. Because, let's face it, there are some pretty sketchy places around here. But I'll deal with it. I'll deal with it because I'm GOING to Ireland, and I'll do what it takes to get there. Oh, which reminds me, I finally wrote to the pastor in Ireland. He said they'd be happy to have me, and he's asking around to see if he can find somebody who will rent a room to me. Things are moving! It makes me happy.

The downside of this job is that I have to wear a polo shirt and a baseball cap. Some people can pull those off, but I just never thought of myself as the type. Oh well. It pays.