Once again, I am struck by the realization of how utterly weird Mondays always are. Today was rather tame on the Monday-scale, I mean, but in relation to the rest of the weekdays... yeah. Gah, I feel like I always start writing when I know that I should be asleep... but I've been having trouble falling asleep lately, so I usually look at pictures or write on this here laptop until I literally can't keep my eyes open anymore. So if I suddenly get tired and fed up with writing, this post might just disappear abruptly. And I'll probably be the better for it. I'd probably be a reasonable person, if I got a normal amount of sleep a few times a week. But I do not entertain hypotheticals. (The world as it is is vexing enough.)
Every once in a while, usually when I'm feeling particularly tired and prone to these gloomy thoughts, my life flashes before my eyes and I get incredibly depressed about it. Today I was thinking about how much school I have this week (and this semester, really), and how I don't want to go in to work tomorrow - then I thought, I have at least two more years of school, and it doesn't matter what job I have: whatever and wherever it is, I'll have to go in on days when I don't feel like it. There's no escaping that. Then suddenly I realized that school will continue, and work will continue, and I'll be working for the rest of my life, until I retire, at which time I'll be too old to do anything fun. Then I got very sad and tired and hopeless feeling. I usually can think of so many things to look forward to... but sometimes the other things get in the way and sort of overwhelm the rest.
Don't worry; these moods are rare and usually go away in a day or two. Then I'll be back to concentrating on good ol' happy short-term goals, like eating Mexican food sometime this week and finding a night to catch the season finale of Rookie Blue.
You know, there are a lot of people that I really love. I've been thinking about that. I get sad and selfish because they're not here with me, or because I'm not somewhere else with them... but really. How lucky am I to have people to miss?
My cat keeps sitting on my arm. Arg. I don't love her.
If I weren't so tired, I'd go for a drive. I think I said this the other night... hm. I guess that means that one of these nights I should probably just go. I think night-drives are good for me - and delivering pizzas doesn't count.
Hmph - I'm still awake.
If it wouldn't kill me of nostalgia and sadness, I would listen to The Weepies and look at pictures of Ireland. Can you have nostalgia for a place you've never been? WAIT - I've been there! Did I ever tell you that? I don't think I did. Last month on the flight back from Prague to New York, Joseph gave me his window seat (bless you, Joseph.), so I got to watch Europe, the Atlantic, and the coast of Canada and New York for 9 hours. I'd brought books to read, but I only read when we had to close the shades so that people could sleep. Aside from that, I listened to my ipod on shuffle and looked out the window for the whole time. When we flew over England, Waterloo Sunset came on, and I thought that was pretty serendipitous. Then, at the exact moment when the clouds parted and I saw the coast of Ireland, the True Grit version of Leaning on the Everlasting Arms came on. It was the most beautiful moment; my eyes actually started to water. It was just perfect.
Alright. I'm going to close my eyes and try to trick myself into thinking I'm asleep. I need to wake up in 6 hours. The Texas Ranger presses on.... alone.
A-dios.
:)
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