I'm still rebelling at this laptop... the connection goes out after a minute or two, and the keyboard is obnoxious. But there are some benefits to using it - the first being that it has a webcam, which means that I can record and post videos of my songs. Crummy quality, but still, it's something. The other benefit is that I can sit in my bed at 1 in the morning and listen to music and write without bothering anyone downstairs. Although, the sketchy internet connection is doing its best to ruin that part. Oh well. I don't want to go off on a rant again, and I don't know how much consciousness I've got left, so I'll get to updates now.
Let's see.... hm. Maybe I ought to work backwards.
I slept until nearly 1 today. I guess I needed to catch up after MHP, and I didn't have the chance to yesterday, seeing as how I had to work at 9. I didn't do much today... mostly did some work on my room, made some cards, organized some shelves, finished some financial aid stuff (the one useful thing I did today, paha) and.... yeah. Pretty much that, and making pancakes. I felt kind of out of it all day. That tends to happen when I sleep in... I've got to work out a normal schedule for myself. And write lists. I was going to try to take a vacation from lists and schedules, but without lists I don't get anything done, and without schedules I sleep all day. SO. I'm going to have to start doing that. I haven't really been doing anything major, but somehow it feels like I've been busy nonstop. I don't know how that is... but it's good, I guess. As I said last night, I need to feel busy - it's good for me. In fact, one major thing came to my realization today: I'm afraid of having nothing to do. It's shocking how little time things take to do sometimes... and once you've done all that you need to do, what do you do? I think that's why I procrastinate. I would rather have things hanging over my head (potential energy, if you will) and then cram to do it all at the end (kinetic energy?) than get it all done and be left with an empty, bored feeling of "What now?". I don't really know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, or if it even really matters... but I was thinking about it today.
As I mentioned, I got back from Mile High Pines (the Christian camp where we go for a weekend a year to help paint and rake and do random maintenance jobs. Also the camp that I worked at for a month two summers ago.) on Sunday. It was an interesting dynamic this year, for sure. I've been going since I was about thirteen or fourteen, and in those days I was one of the younger crowd - this year, however, none of my friends went, and I was one of three people above the age of seventeen. I was also the oldest girl by a long shot, and Mr. Sanchez (our principle, of sorts) pretty much declared me the girl's leader and counselor. So I was in charge of all of them, in charge of giving devotions in the mornings, and keeping things running. It was kind of exhausting, but I actually feel like I was more useful this year than I've ever been. I wasn't distracted with friends or anything like that, so basically all that I COULD do was be helpful and concentrate on being a good leader and example. And really, isn't that what being on a service trip (or mission trip, or whatever you want to call it) is all about?
I graduated from high school on the 5th. Sometime I'll post pictures, maybe, cause Beth got some good ones. I don't have them on this computer though.. grumble grumble. ahem. It was a good ceremony, though a bit long - actually, it was just a good DAY. A little overwhelming at times... I don't know how people survive weddings. All those guests.... agh! When Amelia and I drove up to our after-party (we were a bit late, due to some unforseen circumstances which led to me needing to go home for painkillers..... namely, a certain low-hanging branch in a parking lot.) - anyway, when we drove up to the party at around 6:00, I got this sudden feeling of panic when I saw all the people who were there waiting for us. For a few minutes I was trying to figure out how I was going to talk to every one of them.... but I quickly gave up that notion. I went inside several times for short trips, but spent the majority of the time outside with my friends. That way I could catch people on their way in or out, and it's much less stressful outside, as a general rule. Something about being in a crowded room is so much worse than a crowded lawn.... the way the noise echoes, or something. I don't know. Anyway - aside from those random moments of "agh!", it was a lovely evening. I wish it had lasted longer, really. It's so nice to be around people who are smiling proudly at you and telling you they love you. I think it would be good for everyone to have a graduation about once a year. We'd all be much happier.
Just over 12 hours before the graduation began, The Dining Room came to an end. It's been over a week and I still find myself thinking about it - not about the things I need to do for it, I mean, because it's not far enough from my memory to assume that it's not over yet. But every once in a while someone will say something that makes me think of a line from it, or a subtle line mix-up that only we cast-members backstage noticed, or the pistol handled butter-knife that Amelia used in the Aunt Harriet scene, which is now back in our silverware drawer, like any other normal knife would be. I look over our cast photos about once a day or two, and then I look at the pictures from the play, and I think, wow. That's weird. I directed a play. What makes me sad is that it already feels so removed. Sort of like the feeling I get when I think about Hawaii. The heavy warmth in the air, the feeling of stepping out of the ocean and feeling perfectly and contentedly dry, the smell of kona coffee and how it somehow tasted like chocolate, waking up and seeing bright blue walls and white curtains and hearing the AC already on at seven in the morning. I don't even like hot weather, but somehow Hawaii made it permissible and perfect. It's all so fresh in my memory, but at the same time, it feels like we never went there. I guess it just seems like such an odd thing for my family to do that I've begun to assume it never happened. Like the play. How would I ever direct a play? I never coordinate things. I can feed off of existing energy, but I never create it. But I did! It's bizarre, and I'm not really conveying the feeling properly, I know... it's late and I'm tired. Not to mention the feeling is complex and maybe I couldn't even convey it properly if I were wide awake. But it's just strange to me to think about all of those rehearsals, all those nights of worrying that it wouldn't be good enough... and then thinking about all of my friends and family, sitting there in the same room and giving 100% attention to the ending monologue in the play. I can still feel the reverent silence as I said that that perfect party might almost be worth the cost - then the cast filtering in and their voices rising as lines from previous scenes overlapped and filled the room - then the immediate silence as I raised the glass and said, "To all of us". On opening night, I heard my mom gasp a small "oh!" just as the lights cut. And then I knew we had done it.
Oh, that's a good feeling.
Well. It's 1:30 now and I work in the morning. I'm sure there are other things to update about, but those are the big things, so far as I can think right now. I'll try and be better at writing more regularly, so that I can keep my mind a little more organized. Goodnight, moon.
No comments:
Post a Comment