Well, we're heading into the long weekend. It's Thursday and I am SO HAPPY - happy to see the past three days behind me, happy that I got to spend so much time with my best friend today, and happy because I know that even though things are tough, God is sufficient. It's nice to stop and remember that once in a while.
The math test yesterday really went badly. I'm hoping I got enough partial-credit to pass, but I am expecting a C or a D. Caleb says he felt the same way about it. I mean, I studied really really hard for that test, but I kind of feel like I studied the wrong things. In any case, there wasn't anything else I could do about it, so I did my best. At least I can feel satisfied in that. And hopefully, I'll magically improve in math in the next few weeks, and do better on the tests to come.
Today has been a full day. I had speech class early this morning, and afterward I went to the library and read for a while. Then I walked to Snappers and met Amelia there, and had my long-awaited grilled steak taco, chips, and special 'shack sauce' (with a child's soda, of course). We then walked the distance to Starbucks, and sat for an hour talking about pretty much everything. At this point, Mrs. Gutierrez picked us up and dropped me off again at school - Hanna had asked if she could use my face for her stage-makeup class. So I got all made-up, talked with the girls for a while, wiped said makeup OFF, and walked back to Amelia's house (where I stayed until 7:00). I love being at the Gutierrez's because - well, it's pretty much been my second home since I started at VC - but mostly because my house gets so quiet, that it's nice to go and be in a louder family environment. Seems more homey, at any rate.
Mom and I are the only ones home at the present, and she's feeling a little down because of situations with Ami. It's been really hard for her, being away from home so much to be over there, and now it's especially hard since we're trying to find someone to live with Ami. Right now it's kind of at a stand-still - either we find Ami someone that she'll actually accept, or she moves in with us. The latter idea would solve everything, but the actual act of moving her would be reeeaallly difficult. I forget how much Ami still grieves over Papa, because I don't see her every day - but when I do see her, it always makes me feel sad all over again.
On that subject, random things remind me of Papa every few days... you'd think that, after thinking of something so much, that it would stop being painful after a while. But it doesn't, really. In Prague, I spent a Saturday wandering around with four of my friends in the rain - it was the most perfect day ever. But at one point we stepped into a toy-store, just to get warm. I'd been buying souvenirs for my family members over the course of the week, and as I was wandering around the shop I saw a shelf full of wooden biplanes and motorcycles, and I picked a plane up and thought, "I should buy this for Papa." Eight months and I still forget. It's like I've got this part of me that got injured and exposed, and every time I think about it, it's like a needle pricks the skin, right where it was starting to heal. Last night I had a dream (that was really more of a memory) about the day he died. Things like that really disturb me and I don't know how to get rid of them.
Wow - I didn't really mean to go into all of that... and this started out so painfully cheerful. Hmph. Oh well - I think I'll go brew myself a pot of coffee, eat some ice cream, and make another collage. I've been making a lot of collages lately - I cut up all of our Better Homes magazines. I've also noticed that I must really like lamps and clocks, because I'll cut out pictures and then go through them, only to find that half of them are all lamps and clocks! I guess it lends a certain sense of familiarity to my collages, anyway. So bye for now.
that's sad.
ReplyDeletei don't know very much about grieving, however what i can say after watching both of my parents go through the process is that it's best to acknowledge the pain. it can become a repression or a fixation, and that can occur by blocking it out or running it through your mind obsessively, neither of which is healthy, obviously. the wounds heal up, eventually, but they have to be treated rather than ignored.
you talking about VC almost makes me miss it. almost.