But you are such a pleasant fiction to me.

I've realized recently that I think I'm more prone to depression than the average person. This isn't because I'm feeling moody or depressed at the moment - in fact I feel fine - but for a while now I've been noticing how increasingly moody I get, sometimes for no reason at all. Then when I DO have reason, it's much worse. Lately I've had to make a lot of decisions (and still have yet to make some) that have been stressing me out. Not to mention the thought of potentially failing math class is a bit terrifying. When I have too many things to do, however, I have a tendency to simply shut down and do nothing at all. This week has been nothing but that feeling, and it gets worse every day. Yesterday I woke up and felt like I could have cried at any given time, just because I had never felt so unmotivated in my life. Then after school, I went to my first day with the mime team, which is mostly full of people I know, including some very good friends. And when I walked in, I was suddenly conscious that my mood had completely changed - and it wasn't because being with people makes me happy, though sometimes it does. It was like I had consciously thrown a switch in my brain, turning "on" the part of me whose goal is to entertain people at any cost, and turning "off" the normal part of me: the part that feels angst and depression and cynicism and all that fun stuff. It was very strange to realize that that's what I do. I suppose everyone does it to an extent, to adapt to various situations... but I'd never realized what exactly it is before. Thinking about it, I also don't know how healthy it is, allowing yourself to be two people and forcing one at a time to just disappear to make room for the other. But I don't know how else to handle it. I was very much an Eeyore-child until the age of 10 or so, but that was grown out of, as it had to be. One can't walk around being gloomy all the time. The thing that disturbs me about my sudden brain-switches is thinking about people like Owen Wilson - the man is hilarious and everyone thinks of him as a comedian, but not all that long ago he attempted suicide. Now, I'm not suicidal, but the point still stands. There's something about that kind of "switch" that's a little unhealthy, I'm sure of it.

It's been tough being the only one of the Mueller-four left here, and it seems like I'm now heading into the era when other people will be leaving, too. I'm due for college in a few semesters (possibly even 1 1/2), and my friends will be leaving soon as well. Probably not as soon... but still, the idea is strange. People have gone and are going off to their own parts of the world, meeting new people and doing new things... I know my turn is coming, and that makes me impatient, but also nervous. It's not the idea of leaving that scares me, it's not knowing exactly where I'll be leaving to. Or worse, not being able to leave at all. I'm sort of slowly going crazy here. I feel like I've got to leave before everyone else leaves - not so I can say I did it first, but because I don't think I can stand being left one more time. Being left behind has always been my biggest insecurity - every major thing that has affected me has stemmed from my fear of being deserted. My siblings going to college, or getting married, a parent getting a second job, even my grandfather dying. It's a strange thing, but I could honestly leave 100 times and be fine. But if I were left 100 times...

It's times like this when I realize why people have boyfriends or girlfriends or fiances or spouses. People need people. Even the stubborn people like me need people. I'm not going to say I'm all alone because I'm not - I've got my family, to whatever extent I get to communicate with them, and I've got a few really good genuine friends. But still. The idea of having someone to take you for coffee and donuts in the middle of the night, or calling you after a test, or just going for a long drive with you for no particular reason, is a very nice idea.