First of all, the song "Passing Afternoon" by Iron and Wine is one of the most beautiful things I've heard in a long time, and also one of the most incredibly sad. Funny how often those two come together, at least in the things that I seem to enjoy. Anyway - it's good, and it's good for you. Look it up.
Things have been crazy around here in the past few weeks. I need to write about it all sometime when I'm not falling asleep... actually, I probably won't do that. Too confusing. Mostly, school is insane, people are... confusing... and kind of stressful... but MOSTLY mostly, Jon is married. Gahh. Yeah. The wedding was on Saturday, and it was absolutely lovely. Everything that a wedding should be. And it was slightly overwhelming to be in a place where so many people that I love so much were all together. I just wanted to hold onto all of them. But at the end of the night, everyone had to go their separate ways... and that was sad. Sadder than usual, in fact. Watching Jon and Megan stand there together, and hearing them referred to as "Mr. and Mrs.", and especially hearing some woman call Jon "Megan's husband" was such a bizarre experience. I've been explaining the feeling to people as best I know how over the past few days, and the closest I can get to it is by telling them that I suddenly feel like I'm either a baby or a very old woman. It switches between the extremes. My siblings and I always were sort of a unit, you know? We all were so close, growing up. In fact, since we all hung out so much, I feel like I kind of grew up when they did. So it's a crazy thing to see them married or having kids, because obviously I'm not doing any of that... which makes me feel weird. If we're a unit, shouldn't I be in the same place as they are? Obviously not. That's crazy. But it's how I feel, subconsciously. So now I'm suddenly realizing that 18 is really incredibly young - as much as I imagine myself to be older, like my siblings, I'm not. I still have college to go through, for crying out loud. I graduated high school last year. I'm a baby, and that's an upsetting realization for anyone. But still I feel like I ought to be in the same place as they are now, since I always was before. Hence the "old woman" syndrome. I'm behind the times! I'm an old-woman-baby! Agh. This can't be healthy.
All that confusingness aside, the thing that makes me most sad is that Jon isn't coming home anymore. I don't know why, but I don't think I realized that before. I've gotten so used to seeing him every morning before school and every night when he comes home from work. I've gotten spoiled, getting to talk to him whenever I wanted. Then the day of the wedding, I had this sort of epiphany, and I realized that there will be times when I won't see him for a whole week, maybe. And that's only for now, while they're living nearby. But they won't always be there, and I won't always be here. Someday months will pass between the times when I see them - maybe years. And that thought is incredibly overwhelming, in a terrible terrible way. I don't want to think about it anymore.
I still need to get a job. It's just so hard to go out and apply again, after my last attempt proved so... not-good. Also, I find it very hard to believe that I would have the time to work. I can't even find a free afternoon to fill out applications! HEAVENS, applications. College. Deadlines are next week. OHMYGOSH. I NEED AN EXTRA YEAR SOMEHOW!
sigh.
I also need to not stress out so much over these things. I mean I need to worry a little, but I shouldn't be having heart attacks like I am right now. It's a tough balance.
One remarkable thing in all of this, though, is that I'm still incredibly conscious of the fact that God is good. And I mean too good, in a way. I'm a little ashamed to say it, but there are days when I'm sitting in class in the middle of the afternoon and I realize that I didn't read the Bible that morning, and I haven't even prayed. And yet, God still listens to me when I do pray, and He still watches out for me and gives me what I need. It's crazy and I don't understand it, and I don't mean this in a perky "Jesus is so cool!" way. I mean I really don't understand it. Why does God waste His time with people who are so ridiculous? I mean I'm glad He does... because otherwise I'd be in trouble. But still. It's humbling and a little offensive and crazy and overwhelming. Most things are, these days. I'm realizing that more and more.
Ooh! An airplane.
Ohhhh... and a car with a loud engine. Whenever a car with a loud engine drives through our neighborhood, I think it's Jon. And then I get really sad when I realize that it's not.
You're gonna have to get used to this stuff, kid.
I want to sleep. Or else hop on a bus and drive out to some random state in the middle of nowhere and sit at a roadside diner, with a hot cup of coffee and someone who will just talk and not ask any questions.
No comments:
Post a Comment