This morning after I had put milk in my coffee, I tried to put the milk carton away in the microwave. Later today when I got home from school, I was showing Kate a video and told her, "You have to watch quickly, cause it happens close." sigh. I need sleep one of these days. You know the funny thing is that I'm past the point of thinking that to myself - the "I'm tired and I need to go to bed" sort of thinking, I mean. Getting a normal amount of sleep just seems like a silly and impossible idea these days - stupid, even. Who sleeps? Who relaxes?! Who has an entire existence to themselves without worrying about school or other commitments?!? Aside from dead people, I can not think of many.
Right now things are either fairly mellow or pretty darn hilarious. A few days ago I reached this sort of plateau where - thanks to prayers, caffeine, and a profound lack of sleep - I have come to the conclusion that there is no sense in worrying about things that are well beyond my control. The best I can do is the best I can do. It's a liberating feeling, but also slightly crippling. It's a terrifying thing to do the best that you can do; if it's not good enough, you're not good enough. When I think about it, I realize that for a good part of my life I've been afraid to try my best. I like to have excuses ready in case something doesn't pan out. "Well, I was running on two hours of sleep", or, "I didn't have much time", or, "This other responsibility came up and got in the way, so I couldn't finish that one". You know. The old familiar responses. Now that it's the end of the semester, though, I've got to really pull it together and finish strong. Which means doing my best, even if it potentially isn't good enough, and being alright with that. It's still the best I can do. I guess our best is never quite good enough, is it? That's why there's always something we can learn.
So speaking of which, I should go study for Thursday's biology final exam. That's the one that scares me. It's on 20 chapters. Bahhh.
Also, I have carpal-tunnel. Or some sort of nerve/muscle problem in my wrists, arms and hands. It's been coming on for a few months now, maybe close to a year, but has only really been bad for about three or four months. That is one thing that's been really upsetting me, actually. It doesn't always hurt terribly, but I can always feel it there. There's just this general soreness and I know that if I move my hand a certain way, it will hurt. It's not fun to constantly have that knowledge as a part of your normal thought process. Then there are times when it just hurts, and I haven't even done anything. Kind of like right now. I don't know how one goes about fixing things like that, and I'm afraid to go and have a doctor tell me that there's nothing I can do about it, except for maybe squeeze a rubber ball a few times a day and wear braces at night. I'm 18, and my hands hurt too badly to open a jar of jelly. Thinking of another 60 or 70 years of this isn't too encouraging.
Anyway. Enough of that. I'm going to go make some coffee and do some studying. Kate graduated on Saturday so she's home now, which is a wonderful distraction from stress and school. The trouble is, it's a distraction. Although at this point, I don't know that I need much help being distracted. I've gotten very good at that lately, all by myself. She's also a brunette, and now we look basically the same. Which is annoying. I've always had a certain pride in being the short-haired brunette of the family. Oh well... I'm confident that people will continue to tell her that she looks like me, until she decides to do something about it.
And hey, guess what? SCHOOL IS ALMOST OVER!!!
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