Well, it was a nice thought.

I had planned on getting 9-10 hours of sleep last night, but I woke up at 8:30 instead and couldn't go back to sleep. Like I said... my body's not used to resting or staying in the same place for all that long anymore.

sigh.

Oh well. I'll go make pancakes and everything will be better.

Always remember, there is nothing worth sharing like the Love that let us share our name.

Well. Hello, blogger world. I've missed writing here quite a bit, and my ratings have fallen sadly because of my nigh unforgivable absence... not to mention, I think my mind has become ridiculously cluttered in the meantime. Things are by no means calming down here, but it's the middle of the night and right now there's nothing else that I can be doing, so I decided to write and tell you hello, and let you know that I'm surviving well and that I hope you're doing the same. I probably should be sleeping... but I have nowhere to be tomorrow until 1:00, which means that I can sleep a little later tomorrow. HUZZAH. It's odd, but I realized a few weeks ago that I really can't allow myself to have a normal "good night's sleep", because once I do, I'll be all messed up. I'll have tasted the forbidden fruit, and then when I get no sleep the next night, I'll know what I'm missing and it will all be worse. This past month or so, I've been able to somewhat convince myself of the idea that I really don't need more than 4-6 hours of sleep. Getting less than that (which happens now and then) is still a little rough, but I'm getting there. Once, last week, I slept for 8 hours and I felt ridiculously out of it all day. So as long as I can continue on my strange, scewed schedule, I do believe I'll be alright.

I had thought, a few weeks back, that life would calm down nicely once school let out. Well. It IS true that I have no homework, and it is also true that I had a small anxiety attack this morning when I got home from work and realized that I had nowhere that I needed to be for three hours. (I'm not used to having that kind of time anymore. I'm not used to being home for that amount of time. I literally haven't been home for more than 2-3 hours at a time in the past 4 weeks or so. Except at night, obviously.) But life is not calm. The Dining Room is less than two weeks away... 9 days, to be exact. And even though rehearsals have been going much much better recently, that realization is still terrifying. Kate is building the set and we have basic stage-lighting - so those are two big things that are mostly taken care of. But still. 9 days. We haven't gone through an Act without stopping yet. Well... I guess things are always hectic and hopeless-looking in the weeks before a play. But it always comes together. I decided a while ago (and I think I wrote something about this, back then) that there is no good in fretting about the things that are beyond my control. I will do what I can, and allow the rest to take its course. As stressed as I get about it all, I do have faith that we'll pull it off.

Also, graduation is the day after closing-night. That's not all that big of a deal just now... although Amelia and I do need to practice the song we'll be performing. SPEAKING OF PERFORMING. We (Amelia and I) sang and played two songs at the ACHEV Spring Arts Festival - one that she wrote and one that I wrote. It went marvelously! I mean, being nit-picky on myself, my voice sounded a little rough at some places, which was odd... normally those songs are easy to sing. But I hadn't had much water and I probably was a little nervous. But aside from that - it was just really cool how much people loved our songs. A lot of people have been talking to me about recording my music, which is pretty awesome. Sometime I want do do that. But that'll have to wait until after June 5th. No more new projects or promises until then.

Oh, that reminds me. After June 5th, I also need to start looking around for missionaries or friendly-church-people-who-wouldn't-mind-an-american-girl-staying-and-helping-them-for-a-while in Ireland. I'm gonna work incredibly hard all through fall semester and the better half of spring to make that trip possible. My mind is made up. But technicalities await....

... after June 5th.

Man, I'm getting tired. I'm so glad that I'm done with school... although it's weird how my mind doesn't really know what to do with itself now. Last night Kate asked if I wanted to watch a Black Adder and I told her that I can't, because I had to study. Then I realized that no, I didn't have to study, and then I felt depressed with myself. It's not that I get bored when no one/nothing is dictating my life and how it should be run... I think it's just that I don't really have enough time to do what I really want to do. Does that make sense? Like if school ended, and I had absolutely NOTHING to do - I'd find some big project. Like beginning to write that play I thought of a few months ago, or re-decorating my room, or something. But as it is, I've got only a few big commitments to keep myself busy. And they are keeping me busy.... but only as far as they can.

Now I'm just rambling. I'm glad I already washed my face and brushed my teeth... now I can just go crawl into bed. It's been too cloudy lately to see the moon or stars from my window, but that doesn't stop me from looking for them before I drift off to sleep.

"Owned"

I dreamt last night that a crazy fascist
stole and crashed my car.
My alarm clock robbed me of sleep.
My sister had swiped the last of the coffee
by the time I got
downstairs.
She drank without regret.
I went to school, where my professors tried
to take away my opinions.
Then to work, where my boss,
hour by hour, day by day,
smuggles away my years.

I am Laura.
I am eighteen.
My life is not my own.

Weird day. Weird week. Weird semester. But all of this is inconsequential....

IT IS FINISHED!

Freudian slip much?

I was just typing out a study guide for tomorrow's biology exam, and I'm not even kidding - when attempting to write, "The nucleus holds the cell's DNA", I wrote, "The nucleus holds the cell's DAMN".

Oh I need sleep. I need it so much. Things are getting too hilarious for life to be even remotely normal.....

You see, I've been to hell and back so many times, I must admit you kind of bore me.

This morning after I had put milk in my coffee, I tried to put the milk carton away in the microwave. Later today when I got home from school, I was showing Kate a video and told her, "You have to watch quickly, cause it happens close." sigh. I need sleep one of these days. You know the funny thing is that I'm past the point of thinking that to myself - the "I'm tired and I need to go to bed" sort of thinking, I mean. Getting a normal amount of sleep just seems like a silly and impossible idea these days - stupid, even. Who sleeps? Who relaxes?! Who has an entire existence to themselves without worrying about school or other commitments?!? Aside from dead people, I can not think of many.

Right now things are either fairly mellow or pretty darn hilarious. A few days ago I reached this sort of plateau where - thanks to prayers, caffeine, and a profound lack of sleep - I have come to the conclusion that there is no sense in worrying about things that are well beyond my control. The best I can do is the best I can do. It's a liberating feeling, but also slightly crippling. It's a terrifying thing to do the best that you can do; if it's not good enough, you're not good enough. When I think about it, I realize that for a good part of my life I've been afraid to try my best. I like to have excuses ready in case something doesn't pan out. "Well, I was running on two hours of sleep", or, "I didn't have much time", or, "This other responsibility came up and got in the way, so I couldn't finish that one". You know. The old familiar responses. Now that it's the end of the semester, though, I've got to really pull it together and finish strong. Which means doing my best, even if it potentially isn't good enough, and being alright with that. It's still the best I can do. I guess our best is never quite good enough, is it? That's why there's always something we can learn.

So speaking of which, I should go study for Thursday's biology final exam. That's the one that scares me. It's on 20 chapters. Bahhh.

Also, I have carpal-tunnel. Or some sort of nerve/muscle problem in my wrists, arms and hands. It's been coming on for a few months now, maybe close to a year, but has only really been bad for about three or four months. That is one thing that's been really upsetting me, actually. It doesn't always hurt terribly, but I can always feel it there. There's just this general soreness and I know that if I move my hand a certain way, it will hurt. It's not fun to constantly have that knowledge as a part of your normal thought process. Then there are times when it just hurts, and I haven't even done anything. Kind of like right now. I don't know how one goes about fixing things like that, and I'm afraid to go and have a doctor tell me that there's nothing I can do about it, except for maybe squeeze a rubber ball a few times a day and wear braces at night. I'm 18, and my hands hurt too badly to open a jar of jelly. Thinking of another 60 or 70 years of this isn't too encouraging.

Anyway. Enough of that. I'm going to go make some coffee and do some studying. Kate graduated on Saturday so she's home now, which is a wonderful distraction from stress and school. The trouble is, it's a distraction. Although at this point, I don't know that I need much help being distracted. I've gotten very good at that lately, all by myself. She's also a brunette, and now we look basically the same. Which is annoying. I've always had a certain pride in being the short-haired brunette of the family. Oh well... I'm confident that people will continue to tell her that she looks like me, until she decides to do something about it.

And hey, guess what? SCHOOL IS ALMOST OVER!!!

Must be nice.

As I sit here looking through pictures on facebook of the weeks past, and thinking about the homework I should be doing, all while simultaneously getting ready to go to Ami's with the parents for a Mothers Day dessert.... my cat is lying on the floor next to my feet, in the square of light shining through our glass backdoor. She's got her stomach exposed to acquire the most warmth on the biggest part of her body (the wretch is getting rather fat these days), and her paws are over her face so that only her whiskers stick out, in odd angles. She moves every once in a while and her bell jingles once or twice, but that's it. I even pet her and she didn't bat at me or run away or anything. She seems to be incredibly and simply happy. I wonder how cats do that.