Any day now, any day now, I shall be released.

Wishful thinking, Bob. 3 weeks down - 14.5 to go.

I finished my psychology homework last night around 10, and gave my speech in class today. (Went pretty awfully, by the way, but this particular speech was graded on an "all or nothing" scale - so if we stand up and talk, we get an A. So that's nice.). The only thing left to stress over is my math test tomorrow. I'm not trying to be negative, but I really am expecting to get into class tomorrow and have no idea where to start on the problems presented. The professor hasn't really taught us anything - he presents it like it's all review. It probably is review, for those students who have done all the math classes you're supposed to do before college algebra... but I got signed off early from the math program I was in last semester, which means I'm at least one semester behind everyone else. And reading the textbook doesn't really help that much anyway, because it's basically a foreign language (at least to me). Soo... yeah. I'm waiting for Dad to get off my computer (my math program is on there) and then I figure I've got a good 12 hours to try to figure it out. Today will be fun.

My happy thought is that this is the last math class I will ever have to take. (That is, unless I fail it. But we'll try not to think about that.)

You know something ridiculous? Kate's home before school starts for her next week, and she's been sleeping in to all kinds of ridiculous hours. She's asleep now, and I'm incredibly jealous. In fact I'm thinking of going and waking her up just to spite her. It's not fair that she has nothing to do when I'm dying under a load of evil textbooks... buuuuut such is life.

If you think to, say a prayer for me tomorrow between 11 and 12:15. I need to pass this class but the odds aren't really in my favor. So... prayers for success would be nice.

Sooooo much to do...

THIS WEEK. This involves, in the immediate future: studying for a math test on Wednesday that I'm bound to flunk (not being a pessimist here - being a realist), writing a speech for TOMORROW morning, and reading a whole chapter in psychology so I can turn in the homework tomorrow. I feel like there's something Thursday or Friday but I don't really seem able to make long-term plans anymore... so I'm sure it'll hit me Wednesday night or so.

And all I want to do is watch Mary Poppins.

Why isn't life that simple?

School, CD's, and Spaghetti.

Well then there now. Hello :) Tomorrow it'll be two weeks since I came home (WEIRD), and I'll be starting my 3rd week of school. (Also weird.) School always goes so fast in the beginning... everything starts at the same time. VC doesn't scare me this year, though. I think it's because I'm an actual college student, so I feel like I have a right to be there. I'm not a scared little undercover-homeschooled-high-schooler anymore. It might also be the fact that my idea of being "scared" has changed considerably in the past months. Weeks, at least. Prague pretty much handed me everything at once - so not only did I learn to depend on God for everything (the hard times are when you realize that you really do HAVE to), but I also learned alot about myself: how I deal with things, that is. So. All that to say... growth has been achieved, and VC is silly.

Speaking of growth, I grew my nails out a bit while I was gone (they actually started to look pretty respectable), but somehow with the beginning of school, they've disappeared. It depresses me.

I made a CD for Amelia yesterday. Making CD's is surprisingly fun... I see why you like to do it, Katrine ;) Although I think (in my own case anyway) that it mostly stems from the imperialistic urge to spread good music.

My cat just jumped up on me and my black shirt is now all hairy. Ugh.

I've been thinking a lot about college lately - seeing as how this might be my last year at home and all. I really want to know more about Seattle Pacific, cause that looks pretty cool. There's only so much you can tell about a school from its website, though. I'll have to find somebody who went there and have talks. Biola looks cool too, but I'm not so wild about the idea of La Mirada... LA county is pretty much the armpit of the state. Though it would be really fun to be in a program like Torrey. I just kinda feel like it's time for me to go some place. Anyway, it's been on my mind.

Well, I oughtta go start the spaghetti before Mom and Dad come home from church. (Kate and I left before sunday school, seeing as how we don't really have a class.) I think that was the thing I missed most about home: Sunday Spaghetti. I also think I'm the only Mueller aside from Dad to still like it. But that's their problem, not mine. ;) Ciao.

I like songs about drifters -

books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot;
I still haven't got anywhere that I want.

I've realized that having online classes/classes with online homework is a very, very bad idea for me. It's not even that I care about things like yahoo or facebook - I just get tired and bored easily, so I do a half hour of homework and then find myself looking at pictures or chatting with people. Or writing this blog right now. I really shouldn't begin procrastinating so early in the school year, but I suppose it's all habit by now. Oh well. I read Psychology for two hours today, and only managed to read about 25 pages. This is very discouraging. I decided I'd had enough of that, so I moved onto homework for College Algebra. That lasted about an hour. I then drank some water, attended to facebook for a minute or two, and here I am: the finished product of a long, frustrating, and not terribly eventful day.

Although, my happy thought is that my father just came home from Costco with a box of goldfish crackers for me. Incidentally, am I the only one that still calls them "fishies"? I called him up to ask for them and I had to add the word "cracker" onto the end because he thought I was asking for pets.

I want a haircut.

Weird thought: depending on where I decide to go to college, this could be my last year at home. As in, a year from right now, I could very well be in a dorm room, in CA or otherwise. So I need to start looking at schools. I have to say I'm pretty ready to move on: Prague really cemented that in my mind. I found that I don't get homesick. I missed my family, a few of my friends... but that was it. Even now, being back, I don't really feel attached to anything. I'm ready to move onto the next phase, whenever that comes. At any rate, that'll be nice.

I've been having a hard time concentrating this week. Maybe I'm just tired, or maybe... mm, no, that's pretty much it, I think I'm just tired. The weird thing is that I haven't even been having much coffee lately - 2, maybe 3, cups a day at the most. Before I went to Prague I was having about 6. Maybe European coffee spoiled me, but now ours just doesn't taste the same. Of course, it could have something to do with our make-shift coffee filters. In any case, it's not all that fantastic.

I feel like I need to be writing these days more than ever... but it's hard to write a story when I can't even concentrate long enough to write a sensible blog entry. My thoughts are jumping everywhere (in case you didn't notice that for yourself.). In fact I tried writing just an hour or so ago, but it ended up being about how my sister stole my only nail-polish while I was gone and lost it. I figured I could easily write about that here if I really wanted to, so I shelved the project and came here instead. Though, as it's almost 10:00, I think I may just go to bed soon. I get tired a lot easier these days - though, as I keep trying to tell myself, I think that's normal after a week like last week. Maybe things will settle down, and maybe school will get more interesting... maybe our coffee will actually taste good someday. I'd say that that would be a successful semester.

I know that starting over is not what life's all about.
But my thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.

But the world goes round.

Well, I've been home for a week now. It feels a lot longer than a week, but it also feels like it shouldn't already be seven days - my head keeps telling me that I'm still in Prague. But then I realize that I'm in the middle of a college algebra class and have no idea what the man is talking about. Such is life. I wasn't ecstatic, you know, about coming back to California. I was really really happy to see my family again, but that was about it. Last night I started feeling a bit depressed - homesick, even. How can I be home, and feel homesick? I know what I mean, but I don't understand it - if that makes sense. That is, I know why I feel the way I feel, but I can't figure out how to get around it. I feel homesick for Europe - for the feeling of everything, every day, being different. It was exhausting, but after a certain point it became normal, and even preferable, to live like that. And that's a huge step for someone who usually lives off of lists and schedules. It's just hard to go from THAT, to coming back and doing school and the every-day, normal things that I've been doing for 17 years. I feel more restless now than ever.

Maybe I'd feel differently if I had had time to let it all sink in, upon coming home. Maybe if I'd taken time to write it all out for myself, I'd be ready to move onto phase 2 of the semester. I just feel like I've changed so much - and now I have to go back to living exactly the way I lived before. It's frustrating, and over the last few days I've just ended up feeling very detached from everything. I know I need to settle down and do homework and all that stuff that comes with school... but I'm having a reeeeaallly hard time making myself. How do people do this??

Gladly beyond any experience.

Well hello :) I've been home since Monday night, but I started school Tuesday morning and have been busy with that, and with the play, ever since. I wanted to wait until I have sufficient time to describe my trip but I realized this morning that that is impossible. After five days I still can't sort through the memories and stories enough to tell people - let alone write them down. Sometime soon I want to write an outline, just so I can remember basic things about what we did each day. But until then, you'll have to either talk to me about it (specific questions are good, if you really want specific answers - I can't stand the question I get in passing, "So how was your trip?" There's no short answer for that. Anyway.). Orrrr, this brief message and whatever follows will have to suffice. OOH, maybe I should set up a flickr account for the pictures? That might be smart... hm. I'll have to think about this.

Anyway. Family's coming in a few hours and we have a lot of cleaning to do. Last night was my first performance in 1776, and after a disastrous (at least, it was disastrous for me) dress rehearsal on Wednesday, I was really feeling pessimistic about the show. But last night actually went really well. It made me happy. My whole family's coming tonight, so hopefully things go just as well or - dare I say it? - even better.

School is alright. It's already a crazy semester, but I'm taking it easy and trying to give myself time to adjust to the new schedule. It was pretty hard going from Europe to VC in 24 hours, so I just need to chill and allow myself time. The classes seem to be pretty good though, with only a few mildly annoying teachers.

So the trip - whew. Those were pretty much the most amazing 3 1/2 weeks of my life. And not just because it was fun - in fact, it was exhausting - but I feel so different now. I think I had never quite understood what it really means to be a Christian before. I mean I've always believed in and loved God, but until this trip, I didn't realize what it means to trust Him completely. At first I realized that I was praying a lot more there - then I realized that I was praying because I was constantly asking God to help me through "this one thing". And then, I realized that I was going to need Him to help me through EVERYTHING. No two ways about it. It wasn't just that I would have a hard time with it - it was that I simply couldn't do it alone. It was that realization, fifty times a day, that really changed my thinking. In any case, I feel like I understand things a lot more - the important things, that is.

There's so much more about this that I could say, but I have to get off the computer now... blah. I can't just leave off here - so alright, I'll be writing more about it later. ;) Until then, then...