Captain America speaking.

Life is so strange. People are strange - I'M strange. I went over to Amelia's before work today and she asked me, with the sad and sympathetic Amelia-face that I love, how I was doing. I started unloading all of the things that I'm frustrated with and upset about - we take turns doing that during our coffee get-togethers. Today was my day, apparently - and for whatever reason, I started laughing. And I mean hysterically. It's so weird how that happens; it's only happens rarely to me, and I'm never quite sure what to make of it. On the last day of school last semester, for example, I had gone out to lunch with Amelia and Jeremy and it had struck me, in between bites of my taco, that I wouldn't be coming back to school to see them every day. In rapid succession, I realized that I had no idea what this year would be like, and how afraid I was of that. I didn't feel the full effect of it until that night, when I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner and spilled an entire cup of coffee all across the floor. I started laughing, and then I started crying. And I sat down on the floor and laughed and cried and didn't breathe while Kate stood there watching me, not sure what to do.

I confuse myself. In so many more ways than this.

Anyway - today was pretty good, after the weird incident with Amelia. I worked from 1 to 5, and I only had the youngest two today, so it was pretty easy. I took them on a walk, and calmed the 3 year-old down after he threw a tantrum because his 7 year-old sister always wins when she yells "RACE!" I told him that he would get big one day, and then he would start winning races, too. He stopped crying for a moment and said, "I'm gonna get big?" I told him yes. He smiled a horrifyingly toothy smile (through his still-drying tears), and said, "And Anna won't grow at ALL!" Well, it's a work in progress, anyway...

Oh, and during our daily game where he forgets my name - at least I hope it's a game... - he called me "Captain America". I asked him if that's who I am, and he said, "Yes. My babysitter is Captain America!" Which made me feel pretty cool. Pretty sure this should put me in a babysitter hall of fame or something.

Man. I'm leaving in 12 days. OHMYGAAAAAH. I have no idea what I should be doing to get ready. I started a list of things to pack last night... I think that's a good start...?

I need to go shopping. But I hate shopping. I hate spending money and trying things on and feeling bad about myself when they don't fit. Which is STUPID, because I know weight isn't really a problem. Clothes just aren't made for long people. Stupid stores.

In other news, I've been going to the harbor every evening after work since Valentines Day. It's not like I plan it, or that it's part of my routine - because I don't really have one of those. It starts when I leave the family's house - they live on the very top of a hill, and I can see the whole city, all the way to the ocean and the islands. And I watch the sky all during the drive back home, and I think about how glorious it is to be able to see these things. And then I'm parking in the lot, and walking around the marina and shivering because I never think to bring a jacket. And it clears my head so nicely. As much as any walk can, anyway.

Oh, and if I'm really lucky, like I was tonight, I'll come home and find that Mom has just gone out to get us all Chinese food. Score.

Things really aren't as bad as I make them out to be. I've been trying to get better at not making myself out to be a victim. Seriously. Get over it, Laura. It's just hard, because I'm really not mad at any one person or any one thing; I'm just frustrated with myself, which sucks. It's so much easier to throw blame around at people outside. Anyway... yeah. I'm going to go watch a video on England with Dad. And drink lots of water. Darned Chinese food.

OH! FORTUNE COOKIES! I forgot. Bye.