Starting writing matters when I have things to do is a very bad idea, because no matter what I need to do, I'll almost always write instead. I need to read 80 more pages of Crime and Punishment, but all I can do is drink coffee (this is my seventh cup, no joke) and think of things to write about. I don't know why, because I haven't seen "Cool Hand Luke" in over a year, but I was sitting and reading, when suddenly I got "Plastic Jesus" stuck in my head. Then of course I had to look it up and hear it, and then this incredibly sad feeling settled in on top of me. I don't know why that song is so sad. I think it's because of the way Paul Newman sounds like he's about to cry; and the way he says, "assuring me... that I won't go to hell."
Everything seems heavier on days leading up to a rain. The thought of rain makes me happy, but then when it actually IS gray and cold and wet, I inevitably get depressed. And of course, strange one that I am, I enjoy the feeling. I enjoy it, that is, until I can't anymore, at which time I realize that no - I was really just depressed all the while. I wonder if this problem is limited to writers, or if everyone feels that way once in a while. I was thinking about it while reading, because there's this one part where Raskolnikov is talking about how a great man's conscience is punishment enough for him. He says, "Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth."
It seems like a fact to the elitist. The more I thought about it, though, the more it hit me that it doesn't have to be that way. I'm guilty of often trying to pin my mood-swings (depression, for example) on the idea of "no pain, no gain". I like to think that my problems are more sophisticated than the problems of my peers. I don't know that that's the case, though, and I guess I need to remind myself of that. I've often found myself thinking, "I can't be a writer - all the great writers have been suicidal alcoholics..."
There have got to be some great people who lived truly happy lives. Jimmy Stewart, for example. He's the only one I can think of, but after all he IS Jimmy Stewart, and that alone is proof enough. I guess being depressed helps you to be an artist, but maybe it's not necessary. It's just that being a good artist AND a happy one takes more determination than most people have got.
Raskolnikov sounds like he was a sad man, maybe it was his last name that got him so depressed. I disagree with him completely, though. I think the greatest men have the largest amounts of joy on the earth. I hypothesize that maybe one of the reasons why people who are more analytical struggle with depression is because too much logic can make faith so much harder to accept.
ReplyDeleteDo me a favor, Laura, keep writing. We all love to read your work. Don't, however, become a suicidal alcoholic, that would ruin the party!
Well, I can't vouch for the analytical, because I'm not so much a part of that... for the artist though, depression comes easily because it seems more interesting. As artists tend to be intuitive, they are drawn by that sort of thing. That's what I often find, anyway. But don't worry - no plans on being alcoholic or suicidal thus far. ;)
ReplyDeleteFascinating! Any thoughts on why depression seems more interesting? The concept is mildly counter-intuitive to me. As in, I kind-of see where you're coming from, but I don't understand.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's just an Artist/Philosopher thing.
...Weirdos... ;)
I'm glad you don't have any plans to become Suicidally Alcoholic. I hear those 12-step programs are super boring.
Being almost entirely inept in all forms of art, I'm not sure I can offer much on the subject of enjoying or being subject too excessive depression as an artist. I can however say that as someone who consciously tries to exude joy, sadness happens far more frequently than some may think. And sometimes, I (and I assume others) just want to be sad because they don't always get the chance to be.
ReplyDelete-El Sombrero del Tonto
p.s. I echo the comment of sir John in propositioning you to continue your writing. It brings joy :-)