This is disappointing. I've not written pretty much all month long? Inexcusable. Even more inexcusable is that, blogging aside, I've not written in a half year at least. UGH. I'm so uninspired when living a normal-person life. It's actually alarming how much I don't miss school (a bad sign for the next two or three years of my life, which will be spent in university)... but this lethargy is killing me. When I'm not at work, I feel like I'm wasting the time that I had so many hopes and plans for. This is mostly because work tires me out - flat out kills me, sometimes, but I can't talk about that here - so when I AM home, I'm far too tired to feel inspired. I haven't even read a book yet. I've tried reading "Brideshead Revisited" but am having a damnably hard time with it. I did recently acquire "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" from Megan, though, so I shall try my luck with that when my eyes don't hurt too much to read. (And no, me spending my time writing instead of reading is not hypocritical. I hardly watch the screen when I type. Also, I NEED TO WRITE DAMNIT.)
Speaking of work, I was there for 8 hours today. I am ambushed by exhaustion. And I REALLY want some coffee, but I can't make a whole pot just for myself... and agh. So I had two glasses of wine around dinner time, which (surprise!) didn't help me feel alert. That was a few hours ago though, so now I simply feel averagely tired and averagely bored and averagely in need of caffeine. Which I don't have. bleh. Anyway... rabbit trail. What I MEANT to say was, speaking of work, although today had its ridiculous moments, there was one moment that really warmed my heart. I've really learned a lot in this nannying business, and feel like a much more mature (well-rounded, at least) person for it. I never really had that much experience with kids before. I feel that I get on well with the younger two, especially - they really like me, and by much trial and error I have figured out how to get them on my side and how to get them to do what I want them to do. (Most of the time.) And sometimes they get surprisingly attached to me. Today, I was sitting with the 3 year-old on my lap while we watched his 7 year-old sister play games on the computer. He was playing with my hands for a while, and then eventually put them to rest on his stomach, so that I had my arms around him. I realized that their mom had asked me to take out the trash, and I'd forgotten - so I told him I had to get up and that I'd be right back. He gasped and said, "What? No! I just... I just want to hold you."
Gah. asdfkanerlknlkfffff. <3
Sheesh, this is tough. I really owe my blog an update (Katrina, at least), but I'm tired. Plus, I'm frustrated about things that I don't want to write about. Nothing makes sense these days. Stupid.
ahem...
Oh! Hey, so Valentines Day. I wasn't looking forward to it this year, because every year of my relatively recent history has been spent with Amelia, eating fancy home-made meals and watching "Pride and Prejudice". But Amelia had to babysit this year. So I was kinda bummed... but it ended up being a nice day. Since we couldn't spend the evening together, Amelia and I went out to breakfast (which, we decided, is what all single people probably do) and then went to the mall. I then convinced her to skip her only class of the day, and we went to the harbor and hung out for most of the day. When she went home, I came back to my house and Kate and I played "LOTR Trivial Pursuit", a game which we were quite obsessed with in our youth and haven't touched in a good seven or eight years. Reverting to our crazy childhood selves + wine and chocolate = a very fascinating and fabulous evening. Dad BBQ'd some steaks and the four of us ate dinner (Mom and Dad have never really gone out for V-day), annnnd... then we watched "Moneyball". Except that it was heinously boring. So Kate went to bed, and I followed suit a bit later. So it was a pretty pleasant day, over all. Except towards the end some weird things went down with some friends of mine and me... so that made the ending a little unpleasant. But yeah. I shouldn't start writing about that here.
GAH. SEE, this is why I haven't been writing!!! Katrina. You see what blogger does to me?!
sigh.
Yesterday (Wednesday, that is), I did absolutely nothing during the day. WAIT, not true. I got a haircut. A trim, really - and it actually looks really good. Just a quarter inch or so to clear the split ends, and then I got it thinned quite a bit so that it doesn't look all mangy and over-grown like it has been for the past 8 months. I haven't gotten a haircut in 8 months, isn't that weird? My hair grows so slowly. Anyway - oh, the lady also straightened it (I guess straight hair is easier to cut) and while it definitely looks better curly, the straight hair thing didn't look BAD by any means... at least I didn't think so. But towards the later part of the afternoon I went back to the harbor to meet a friend of mine, and midway through a conversation he looked over at me and said, "So... when does your hair go back to itself?" hahaha. My hair was having an identity crisis, clearly. Somehow I knew that he wouldn't like whatever I did with my hair at that salon. It's like how my dad has never approved of my hair. Guys just don't like changes with girls' hair. What's with that?
Anyway. I hung out with him for a few hours; it's been a while since I was at the harbor with somebody who had never been there, and I forgot how much joy I get in showing them the fabulous little secret places around the marina, and telling them funny stories about who did what when... stuff like that. I don't know any place in California that makes me as nostalgic as that harbor.
I guess one thing that I can say is that I'm frustrated with myself lately for not being as good to my friends as they are to me. I went to my favorite place with my two best friends, on two consecutive days, and walked around with each of them for hours... and thinking back on it, I really only contributed stupid things like "yeah" or "right" to any meaningful conversation. Not because I wasn't paying attention, or even because I couldn't think of anything to say.... I just... gah. I don't know. I feel like I just have to hold back sometimes. Which is stupid, because with my best friends of ALL PEOPLE, I shouldn't hold back. But I do. I don't really know why. Jeremy kinda called me on it, in a roundabout way - about how I don't really talk about my issues while I'm going through them. That's kinda true. And it's kinda lame of me. I mean I don't want to be the complete opposite, and ONLY talk about my problems... but I should be able to open up to the people who open up to me. And I don't. That realization makes me feel very selfish, and very unworthy of their friendship. Their love, really. I've been feeling that way a lot recently, actually - undeserving, I mean. Selfish, too. (Wow, lots of sentence fragments. You'd think an English Major would know better. I like how I capitalized "major".) Most of this comes back to the things that I don't want to write about... which really doesn't help either of us (me and the blogging world) in this instance. SEE WHAT I MEAN, I HOLD BACK. Annnnd... my laptop is dying because Kate stole my cord. Anyway. Okay, basically I don't know what I want out of certain life situations and I feel like I'm screwing up some very valuable friendships because of it. Simple enough to explain that way. (Y'know, I should count how many sentence fragments I do...) I feel like I'm in the dangerous middle-ground, between being a responsible friend who does the hard (but RIGHT!) thing, and the girl who goes for what feels good right now. Which is bad. BAD BAD BAD. Even just the fact that the latter idea has occurred to me makes me feel like an awful person. Worse, an awful friend.
I can't stand it. In the past, most of my drama has been so internalized that I was the only one (or one of a very small number of people) who was aware of it. But this is different. No matter what I do, I feel like I'm going to confuse people (myself included) and hurt them. And I can't take that kind of responsibility. I can get over instances where I confuse and hurt myself... that's easy. Just tell myself that it didn't happen and lock it away in some distant memory-room in my mind. (Seriously. It's alarming how easily I can do that.) But if I confuse and hurt someone that I care about... that's different. I can't forget that, and I certainly can't lock it away.
sigh. Growing pains.
Well! That was a bit long-winded. I don't know if I had anything else to say, update-wise, but I feel like I've said enough on this post. I teach tomorrow morning, and then I work from 1 to 5. I'm not sure what the evening holds, but I'll be happy, so long as it's not a stressful social situation... but seeing as how I have no plans, I don't think it will be.
This post was very... awkwardly worded. Ah well. Probably much more like my actual thought process than most posts. (Dissatisfying, isn't it?) If you think to, I'd appreciate prayers. I need to get over myself and treat these situations as they deserve to be treated - not how my anxiety-ridden conscience feels that they should be treated.
It is now February 17, even if this post is listed under the 16th. It's 12:07. I'm leaving in 16 days. WHAAAAATTTT.
Okay. Goodnight, folks.
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